


It Felt Heavy

by Once_In_A_Lifetime_Or_4Ever



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Death, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 20:25:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3460877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Once_In_A_Lifetime_Or_4Ever/pseuds/Once_In_A_Lifetime_Or_4Ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The feeling of it all started and ended within a number of years, days, minutes and seconds.</p><p>Harry's heart couldn't bare it anymore, the pain of it all was too much for him. He quickly took a breath and plunged the blade deeper and the world ceased to exist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Felt Heavy

**Author's Note:**

> This was Originally Posted on my Tumblr, I wrote it around midnight and finished writing it around 3AM.
> 
> This is just something that I fabricated due to some Feels I had.
> 
> Note that this was hastily written and has many grammar and spelling mistakes.
> 
> I am looking to find someone that can edit it for me!
> 
> Major Triggering Warning, so please use caution.

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Harry started to notice it right after the UAN tour. The way his heart would slow down and he’d hear it pound slowly and it would hurt just a little bit, but he’d ignored it.  
  
This relationship with all the boys was great since day one, although Louis always meant just a fraction more in his heart.  
  
He had fancied himself in love with him, but soon after he knew that it wouldn’t work out.    
  
Soon meant It took him nearly 5 years to realise it.   
  
Although this story is more than Larry.  
  
His feelings ate up his thoughts and he started to noticed the way Louis detached himself from their mutual “Larry” bromance.  
  
Days seem to blur together and his little pain that he had felt before was now a heartache, it stunned him and his tummy felt hollow.   
  
That’s when the panic attacks started. He had managed to keep it from the boys, only a select few knew and they also knew that saying anything in front of other was a big no no.  
  
The TMH tour had pretty much exhausted all the boys, they had stopped hanging out together, birthday tweets and parties had rarely been celebrated together. Time had seemed to just fast forward.  
  
There had been nasty fights, terrible breakups and the rumors had be atrocious.  
  
There had been publicity stunts that had been played without much choice and their feelings being controlled.  
  
That had been the worst, but WWA tour had somehow been absolutely magical, their music was getting stronger and their friendship bonds tighter.  
  
They had toured places they had never imagined, that was probably the magic they felt.   
  
They had taken over the world, countless awards and so many cultures and just seeing everything new added euphoria to their stressed lives.    
  
It had been so long since they had taken a break but it didn’t matter they were living the dream life.   
  
No tweet, leak or tabloid would get them off their high.  
  
But management had announced to the boys and their fans halfway through their WWA tour that there would be a new tour in less than a year, Otra.  
  
None of them expected it, and they were falling off that amazing high. They were tired of the flashing lights, of the hate and of not being able to just sit down and take a breath of fresh air.  
  
     * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
**SEPTEMBER 9, 2015                                                                     11:34PM**  
  
Harry’s mind started to race as well as his pulse, he knew that this was it. The last concert of OTRA.  
  
The last couple of months had been crazy.  
  
He would never forget the fan at the Finland concert that had hopped on stage and proposed to Niall.  
  
He had so many memories he was trying to remember all at once.  
  
"Harry, mate ya ready?" Zayn asked as he walked into the dressing room Harry was currently in.  
  
Harry just blinked back the memories and smiled at Zayn and slowly walked up to him.  
  
"This is the best it’ll get"  
  
"Sure will" Zayn replied, but only if he had known the truth behind Harry’s words would he have changed his answer.  
  
Harry quickly grabbed Zayn’s hand and Zayn smiled his slow lazy smile and they both walked out.  
  
  
**SEPTEMBER 9, 2015                                                                     11:53PM**  
  
Zayn had gone into the Van waiting to transport the boys to the hotel and Harry stood outside waiting for Niall.  
  
Niall was walking alongside of both Liam and Louis, they were talking loudly, their faces glistening fro the sweat of the stage and their laughter could be heard from where he was standing.  
  
"Harry!" Liam said as they came closer, harry smiled softly at Liam.  
  
"So I was telling this human beings that we should celebrate! Josh and Sandy said they called the Bar and reserved a couple booths for us, whatta you say?" Niall asked excitedly. But all Harry could see was how tense Louis was, his eyes never quite meeting his.  
  
"Zayn?" Harry asked, as he sense Zayn listening.  
  
"Sure, sounds cool." He said, his hand itching for a smoke, he hated the tension.  
  
They all felt it by now.  
  
They all knew that Harry refused to cut his hair. And they knew why.  
  
Louis knew why.  
  
Finally Louis broke the silence and scratched his neck.  
  
"Erm, El really wants to… celebrate, just us, um but you all have fun."  
  
The boys just nodded their heads, one stiffer than the others.    
  
They all got on the road, the silence that had been jus moments ago had dissolved into chatter from all directs, even Harry seems like he wanted nothing to do with the tension and happily talked with Niall.  
  
That would be the last time they all talked together. All 5 of them.  
  
**SEPTEMBER 10, 2015                                                                     12:45AM**  
  
They had taken a longer route to the hotel as their car dropped them of at the back entrance.  
  
The boys all climbed out and out of nowhere, Harry grabbed Louis by the shoulder and crushed his body into his.  
  
Louis was shocked as were the rest of them, and just as quick as it had started it ended.  
  
Harry couldn’t stop the urge, the panic attack was going to happen and he ripped his body away and ran into the hotel.  
  
Louis was a statue, he couldn’t believe what had just happened.  
  
"It looked like he need it." LIam said and smiled sadly at Louis and went after Harry.  
  
Zayn and Niall just started at Louis, until Zayn couldn’t just stand there and light up a cigarette.  
  
Niall looked between the two of them and just shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Hope you have fun" He directed at Louis, "See you inside" He told Zayn, and Zayn nodded at him.  
  
They were left alone.  
  
"So," Zayn said.  
  
And Louis couldn’t. He just didn’t have the energy to suppress his emotions.  
  
"I can’t" was all he said and walked away, if only he would have known.  
  
  
    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Louis had fallen hard.  
  
He had met his other half and it had been just a twist of fate.  
  
But he couldn’t admit it out loud, because he wasn’t gay.  
  
All his life he had liked girl, or at least that’s what he thought.  
  
Yeah occasionally he had started at a picture of a shirtless male a little to long, but he had always convinced himself he was just admiring the way the guy was dedicated enough to look good?  
  
But that had changed in a bathroom, during the X-Factor.  
  
And it had been just his luck that he was put into a group with the same curly lad.  
  
From there on he could control himself, he needed the contact.  
  
It had been in his mind okay to touch and tease Harry.  
  
It wasn’t until he had realised he hadn’t date a women in a long time, that all his free time outside the band was literally spent in Harrys arms or Harry in his.  
  
And he panicked.  
  
And got himself a girlfriend.  
  
And distanced himself because his self control was shit.  
  
And his heart bled, but he buried himself in his relationship and his heart started to resent her, and everything that was not him.  
  
He resented his self, his mates, his family, everything and at one dark moment of his life, he hated the once he loved the most.  
  
    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
**SEPTEMBER 10, 2015                                                                     1:05AM  
**  
Harry reached the bathroom and locked himself inside.  
  
Breathing deeply, he counted backwards from 10.  
  
He had this under control, yes he had slipped but there would be no more of that tonight.  
  
It was crucial that he followed through without gaining unwanted attention to himself.  
  
"Harry, you alright?" Liam asked through the door.  
  
Harry turned the faucet on and splashed his face, “Yea, be right out.”  
  
He looked at his reflection and blinked away the tears.  
  
"You can do this, you can do this," He muttered to himself as he dried his face.  
  
He opened the door to find Niall instead of Liam.  
  
Niall slinged his arm over Harry’s shoulder and wordlessly guided him to the bar where he found everyone except the one that mattered the most.  
  
Zayn patted down the seat next to him and Harry sat down a cold beer already waiting for him.  
  
He looked around the room, his eyes tracing over everyone’s faces, trying to engrave this moment into his mind as he knew it’d be the last images he’d hold.  
  
Liam looked at Harry and he wondered why he had broke out of his shell with Louis tonight but he quickly shook off the suspicious feeling and later he would blame himself for not trusting that siren that had gone off, how he had let Niall shoo him away outside of the loo, he had planned to speak with him.  
  
He wanted to see if Harry had something he might have needed to get off his chest.  
  
All the while Zayn carefully watched Harry, he was happy that Harry had sat next to him, that he was talking, but he still worried about Louis. Harry seemed fine while Lou had seemed broken.   
  
Zayn kept waiting to see if the alcohol would break down Harry’s walls, but through the night as Zayn kept drinking he didn’t see them waiver. His thoughts got muddled and he laughed and joked but he missed the way Harry’s eyes dimmed little by little and how his smile became almost too much, too plastic.  
  
But Niall would blame himself for everything, he had shrugged off Harry’s outburst, he had left Louis to deal with himself and he had been too happy to get wasted and actually forget, and ignore. He pretend all the time that he had never felt the tension, he had seen what most didn’t know was real.  
  
He had witness intimacy between his two best mates, and it tore him apart to see them so broken and he couldn’t deal with it, he never acknowledge the pain, that even he felt.  
  
**SEPTEMBER 10, 2015                                                                     2:30AM  
**  
El was long asleep, and Lou couldn’t sleep, his limbs were tired but his brain was too aware.  
  
He had a feeling that wouldn’t go away, and he blamed Harry.  
  
Only if he had not been such a coward would he have faced his feelings and maybe just maybe he would have known.

But instead he blamed Harry as he took two sleeping pills a fell asleep.  
  
**SEPTEMBER 10, 2015                                                                     3:47AM  
**  
Nobody seemed to have seen. heard or noticed that Harry had slipped away, Zayn was openly smoking and laughing, and Liam was long gone and sleeping in his room. Niall was drunk and happy and Harry knew it was time.  
  
He took the stairs, and he counted every step.  
  
Once he was inside his own room, the farthest, just liked he’d asked.  
  
He went into the bathroom and out he took his blade.  
  
He prepared his bath, using Lou’s favorite bubble gel, he took out the letters, 15 letters.  
  
All addressed to people that mattered.  
  
He looked in the mirror and saw nothing but an empty being.  
  
He walked and stood in front of the tub and took a deep breath.  
  
WIth his blade in hand, he submerged into the too warm water.  
  
It stung and turned his skin a raw pink color.  
  
He counted to three.  
  
He sliced his skin, upwards on his left wrist, not across, he had done his research.  
  
It barely hurt, he had many tattoos to thank for his pain tolerance.  
  
The cit was not too deep, but he switched and did the same on the other hand.  
  
He looked at the water turning a gruesome color and thought, “you can still back out.”  
  
But finishing that thought he returned to his left wrist and sunk the blade deep inside, and this time he muffled his painful cry.  
  
He turned to his right wrist and repeated the action.  
  
_"And I'm in love with you..."_

 **SEPTEMBER 10, 2015                                                                     4:38AM  
**  
And then there was only 4 as the 5th took his last breath.  
  
The pristine white bathroom tub and tiled floor were covered in his blood, slowly tripping and making a puddle of blood and water.  
  
**SEPTEMBER 10, 2015                                                                     9:17AM  
**  
The now cold red substance had leaked into the hallway and soon enough a staff member had reported it to the front desk.  
  
They had thought nothing of it until the maid had entered the room and started to scream.  
  
**SEPTEMBER 10, 2015                                                                     9:23AM  
**  
Liam had been woke up first by the loud wailing.  
  
He had a terrible sense of fear and ran to his door, as he saw the blood and the door to Harry’s suite propped open.  
  
He could not hold back the tears, he ran and he could not get there fast enough, their security team was in front of him, he pushed past them and scurried into the bathroom and fell to his knees.  
  


His own voice sounded foreign and he couldn’t understand what he was say or maybe he was screaming.  
  
Zayn and Niall both stumbled out, rubbing sleep from their eyes and as they noticed the red water on the floor and their security on their phones talking a million miles an an hour they became alert.  
  
As the sound of Liam’s voice they both looked at each and ran towards his voice, only as they entered the room did they noticed it was Harry’s.  
  
They saw Liam’s body on the floor and Harry’s head cradled against Liam’s soft form and they both sighed in relief, until they saw that Liam wouldn’t stop calling for Harry.  
  
_"No, Harry please, no, harry, Harry please, wake up…"_  
  
Did they realise that Harry was not breathing.  
  
Zayn’s body stood motionless, his heart pounding to fast and too loud.  
  
_"NO! STOP PLEASE LIAM TELL ME IT’S NOT WHAT I THINK, LIAM, OH GOD, HARRY, OH GOD, OH HARRY"_  
  
He heard himself choke out before he moved aside and began to get sick on the floor.  
  
Niall, had fallen to the ground and he could speak, he was sobbing, his body trembled and he couldn’t believe it.  
  
The only words he managed out  were  
  
” _Whyhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy”_  
  
**SEPTEMBER 10, 2015                                                                     9:47AM  
**  
El heard the commotion and quickly opened the door only to see a security guard outside their hotel room door.  
  
"Miss, there was an accident, Harry———-dead———" Was all she heard and she fell on her bum and started to cry.  
  
Louis was too drugged up with the sleeping pills that it took him a moment to register where and who was with him.   
  
But it took him a little longer to register that El was on the floor crying.  
  
"What’s going on?!" He asked and El just cried and his heart felt the pain of something he had not heard yet.  
  
"Harry" Was all the guard managed to say before Louis pushed past him and ran down the fall.  
  
He saw the blood and his mind stopped functioning.  
  
He heard the crying inside and he was already sobbing.  
  
He saw his best mates broken lying on the ground.  
  
He saw Liam with his soulmate in his arms, his lips blue and skin ghostly white and his whole world became unbalanced and he passed out.  
  
And his skin ripped, his lungs collapsed and the heart of stone broke and became a void.  
  
  
   * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

**Author's Note:**

> **Sorry for misspelling, bad grammar and anything else.**


End file.
